- Yes, you really do need to wash your face.
- Every day.
- With soap.
- I told you there would be cavities if you didn't brush your teeth (with toothpaste) twice a day.
- Not everyone is a nice person.
- Some girls are bitches, even when they're 10 years old.
- It is not necessary for everyone in your class to be best friends - sometimes it's sufficient to be polite and able to work together when it's required.
- You Must Not Touch Certain Parts of Your Body (in Public).*
- Other people may not touch Certain Parts of Your Body at all.
- Some boys like to show off Certain Parts of Their Bodies.
- How to embarrass those boys by looking really disdainful and muttering, "Really? That's it?"
- Do you really want to be friends with a girl who treats you like that?
- What exactly were you thinking when you ... (decided to build a zip line in the basement with things you had been specifically told not to touch; decided to duct-tape a kid you barely knew to a pole in the basement; decided to cover the toilet in soapy water so you could blow really big bubbles on the toilet lid)?
- Yes, you really do need to wash your hair.
- With shampoo.
- And comb it afterward.
- Wet towels do not belong on the floor.
- Or your bed.
- Or your hamper, unless you're doing laundry, like, NOW.
- Having homework every night is not cruel and unusual punishment; it's the new normal.
- Checking to make sure you actually answered every question on the test will help you not get C's on stuff you really do know.
- Five reasons why I will NOT drive you back to school to pick up the book/paper/assignment/whatever you need to do your homework tonight.
- Seriously? You forgot to ask about your password AGAIN?
- If you tell me for months that you can't do something because your password "doesn't work," you'd better have actually tried it.
- See? (Learning that song; trying a new food; making a presentation; talking to a friend about something difficult) wasn't actually that hard, was it?
- Perhaps next time, waiting until something actually goes wrong before you freak out would make things more pleasant for everyone. I'm just saying...
- When you call a friend's house, it's important to tell whoever answers the phone who you are, because otherwise it's creepy.
- Yes, I meant it when I said I would take away for the evening "anything with a plug or a battery" if you didn't get your butt in gear this morning.
- Things you may not do on the new (white) couch.
- Why, when I'm out on a walk and you're home alone for 20 minutes, you're not allowed to answer the door and buy candy from strangers, even if those strangers are kids and it's a fundraiser for their school.
- How to dial 911 on my phone in case the chainsawing Dad and I are doing goes horribly, horribly wrong.
- If you spell emoji out loud during a regular conversation, you sound like a dork (and I want to smack you). No one thinks "XD" said aloud means "I'm laughing," except you.
- How to handle grandma when she's having one of those days.
- Grandma's friend has cancer - let's make her a card!
- My friend has cancer - let's make her a card!
- Grandma's other friend has cancer, but you never met her, so you don't need to make her a card!
- Dad's friend has cancer - but it's too late to make her a card!
- Yes, it's normal to get out of breath when you run. Deal with it.
- You have 75 pairs of scissors, Figure out how to open it yourself.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Motherly conversations I have had to start so far this year (or, What I've been up to since I last posted)
Sunday, July 06, 2014
Wednesday, February 05, 2014
6am - wake up, check to see if school is closed. Everything in our county is closed, but Liza's charter school in the next county doesn't have a close notice yet. Get dressed and clear driveway while Jason gets ready for work. Curse Avon's snowplow drivers, who now have decided to plow 6' from the curb instead of 4' like last time.
6:20 - check school closings. Nope.
6:45 - leisurely breakfast, because normally I'm not even out of bed yet. Check school closings. Nope.
7:00 - look at school closing listings, email, facebook - nope. Damn. Tell te kid to get dressed and brush her teeth.
7:30 - leave house to drive my kid the 15 miles to school. Usually this takes 20-30 minutes, depending on traffic lights
8:00 - pass exit that's five miles from my house. Realize that I probably made a bad decision and should have kept Liza home today.
8:05 - wipers freeze over, so I spend the rest of the drive peering through the 3" gap at the bottom of my windshield. See, that part of the driver ed simulator film came in handy after all!
8:15 - off the highway, but finding only major thoroughfares have been plowed or salted at all. Can't take first two turnoffs to the school because they are blocked by cars that got stuck.
8:25 - "it's ok, mom, I'm pretty sure they won't give out tardy slips today." Yeah, because THAT'S my main concern as I slide around a corner at a 30-degree slant. Grumble to myself about schools that cancel for cold when the roads are perfectly clear, then don't cancel on days when nobody has plowed the 6" of snow from the surrounding streets.
8:35 - finally drop the kid off at school. Wipers are a little better, so I don't stop to whack the ice from them. In retrospect, this was a mistake.
8:50 - finally make it back to the highway, which is....almost completely unplowed in this direction. Seriously? Or maybe it just looks that way to me - hard to tell through the 3" stripe of clear windshield at my disposal.
9:10 - driving through slop in what I can only hope is the road and not the median, I see a car pulled off to the left side of the road. The guy in front of me - who is driving 15 mph in the only lane that is even remotely cleared - STOPS IN THE TRAFFIC LANE NEXT TO THE CAR AND GETS OUT TO SEE IF THE PERSON IS OK. Doesn't pull over to the side of the road, just stops in the middle of fucking I-90 in a blizzard and gets out of his car, to see if someone is ok in a car that hadn't hit anything and is still running. I contemplate just running him over, because really, what jury would convict me? I manage to stop 6" from the asshole's bumper and pray the guy behind me has ABS, too.
9:15 - Jason texts to see if I made it home yet. I laugh quietly, and try not to notice when it turns to wailing. I may never be able to sit up straight again. Wait, I can sort of see through the top 3" of the windshield now! Happy day! I carefully unfold myself from the contortions I had to perform to see out the bottom.
9:20 - I abandon the highway in search of a place to pull over and de-ice my wipers. Hard to search when you can't see jack. I point the car in the general direction of where the Burger King driveway should be, and pray.
9:21 - 14 pounds of ice removed from wipers, I get back on the road. It is mostly plowed-ish. Compared to the highway, I am ready to drive forever on this stuff. Whee!!
9:30 - oh, look, Avon's stunningly efficient plows have cleared to 6' from the curb here, too, which leaves an open lane that isn't wide enough for two cars to pass ... On a semi-major road. I get why that might happen in the bowels of our unfinished development, but Case Road? Fuckwits.
9:33 - apparently the snow emergency ban on street parking doesn't apply to contractors. My (mostly unplowed) street now has trucks parked down both sides, because THAT will really help the plow drivers. Idiots.
9:35 - I pull into my driveway, which has 6" more snow than it did when I left. Realize we really need a snow fence...or at least some grass.
2:00pm - I get to make the trip again to pick her up. Yay.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Congratulations on being selected as a contender for the role of my Next Good Friend of 2014! I'm sure you're anxious to get started, but before we begin, I'll need you to fill in the following questionnaire to be sure you're qualified for the position. Please use a No. 2 pencil and make dark marks - there are a lot of forms to process, and the scanner can't be bothered to look too closely at these things.
1. Your home is approximately how far from mine?
a) 1 mile
b) 5 miles
c) 20 miles
d) You don't know where you live.
e) You don't know where I live.
2. You are willing to travel how far to go do something fun on a weekend evening?
a) 1 mile
b) 5 miles
c) 20 miles
d) none - you only socialize at your own home.
e) none - you are an agoraphobic lobster* who doesn't socialize at all, anywhere.
3. Are you married?
c) No, but you used to be
d) You're not sure
e) Only on weekdays
4. How many children under the age of 16 live with you now?
e) You lost count after five, but you're pretty sure there are more than that, judging by the piles of laundry you find on a daily basis.
5. Please circle all of the fandoms to which you belong:
a) Doctor Who
b) Sherlock (BBC version - indicate whether you ship Johnlock or Sherlolly** _________)
d) Star Trek (please indicate which version - original, next gen, DS9, etc. _________)
e) Star Wars (please indicate favorite movie, and if it's Episode I, II, or III, stop the survey now and go shoot yourself in the head ____________)
f) Anything written, produced, directed, or breathed upon by Joss Whedon
k) Avengers, including Thor
l) Avengers, not including Thor, because that movie sucked balls
n) Hunger Games
6. There is no question number six **
7. Please circle all of the following hobbies which you regularly enjoy:
a) Fiber arts (knitting, crochet, weaving, spinning, quilting, embroidery, etc.)
b) Tabletop games
c) RockBand-style console games
h) Home improvement
i) Crushing the hearts of your enemies beneath your bootheels
8. Please indicate your favorite companion:
d) Sara Jane
e) Captain Jack
f) Amy and Rory
9. Please indicate any of the following games which you have played and enjoyed:
c) Smash Up
d) Ticket to Ride
e) Axis and Allies (please stop the survey now and contact my husband instead)
g) Settlers of Catan
10. Please indicate which times/days you would be most interested in getting together:
a) Never - you only want an online/telephone relationship
b) During the day during the week
c) Weekday evenings
d) Friday or Saturday evenings
e) Saturday or Sunday during the day
f) The third Saturday after the new moon, from 8-8:15 pm, if all goes according to plan.
11. Regarding any children you have at home:
a) They would love to play with my child, and we will not have to referee them much
b) They would love to play with my child, but we will need to keep a close eye on them or there might be bloodshed
c) They have no interest in playing with my child, but will entertain themselves
d) They have no interest in playing with my child, and may make our lives a living hell if you bring them
e) You have no intention of involving children in our relationship
12. Which trait do you think is the most important part of your personality?
c) Dry humor
d) Expertise with profanity
e) None of the above
f) All of the above
g) Sweetness and light (please stop this survey and go punch yourself in the face for me, mmm-kay?**)
** Pop culture references and "in jokes" are marked with **. Please circle all of them that you understood and/or could explain the genesis of to an impartial moderator.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
We moved to Japan in 1998, and we were amused to find out that everyone at work had an Earthquake Kit they had to keep in their desk. These backpacks included such handy items as hard hats (which were too small for our heads), reflective insulating blankets (most of the time we spent in Japan was during the warmer months), a liter bottle of water (which is enough for, like, half a day of survival), and various energy bars and snack foods (which most of the employees snitched during the year, so they would all starve if they actually needed them). Our employers were kind enough to send two extra kits home with us to keep in the apartment, where we stuck them in the closet by the front door, along with some extra bottles of water and a ziplock baggie of food for the cat. When the largest earthquake of our time in Japan actually occurred on a cold day in December, I was barefoot and wearing nothing but a sports bra and leggings, having just returned from a run. I sat there in shock while the building shook and heaved, but eventually I came to my senses and ran to grab the backpacks, while Jason - in his pajamas - spent five minutes trying to coax the cat out from under the bed. A few granola bars and a mylar blanket would not have made much difference in our ability to survive in a post-earthquake hellhole that day.
We moved back to America, and 9/11 happened, and people started talking about sarin gas and biological warfare and stuff, and officials suggested we all stock up on plastic sheets and duct tape, just in case. We threw a few dropcloths and rolls of tape on the pile of stale bottles of water and canned goods that were gathering dust in the basement. I didn't make any concrete plans for what we would do in case of a big emergency ... honestly, I'm always halfway serious when I joke that I hope I'm the first to get slaughtered in whatever horrible thing happens in our town, because I'm not constitutionally suited to living through adverse times. As a kid, I was always somewhat comforted by the idea that our town would probably be obliterated during any sort of attack, so I wouldn't have to worry about surviving the fallout and the famine and the lawlessness. I am just not designed to soldier on through immense adversity.
We moved to Kentucky, had a kid, and my emergency preparedness focus shrank to making sure I had a spare change of clothes for everyone in the car, because you never knew when a diaper disaster was going to hit. I cared less about mylar blankets and first aid kits than I did about having enough snacks and diapers to make it through the next 12 hours.
We moved back to Cleveland, and for some reason, emergency supplies just never seemed important. We were always tight on space at the last house, and when we ended up using our supply of stale bottled water to refresh the backup battery on our sump pump, we didn't replace it. I canned ridiculous amounts of food, and we always had packaged snack food, so I figured we could probably weather a few days without power if we needed to. Then there were hurricanes, and tornadoes, and other weather situations that made it difficult for various family members to get necessary supplies, and making up an emergency kit didn't seem like such a waste of time after all.
A few weeks ago a friend of ours was showing off his "bug-out bag," which he has prepared in case he and his family need to make a quick escape in the face of an emergency. It's got first aid supplies, and water, and food, and a Bowie knife as long as your forearm. "I call it the 'Zombie Apocalypse Bag,' because seriously, when would we need a knife that big during an ice storm or a hurricane?" his wife said. "Besides, if it was really a bug-out bag, it would need to have extra gas for the car in it, since we never have more than about 1/4 of a tank in either of the cars on a regular day." I agreed that no gas + giant knife = zombie apocalypse bag, and the conversation moved on.
Earlier this week the weather was so cold that it froze the intake valves for the water treatment plant that supplies several of the communities near us, including our town. We were cautioned to conserve water, refrain from taking long showers or doing laundry, because while there was enough water right then, there was no way to refill the storage tanks when all of it was consumed. By Wednesday night we were told to use water only for essential things like brushing teeth, drinking, and cooking - flushing toilets and taking showers were frowned upon. Communities near ours were still well-supplied with water because their intake valves were lower in the lake and hadn't frozen yet, and a heat wave was predicted for later in the week, so it wasn't a crisis. And yet, within ten minutes of hearing about the water restrictions, a friend posted on Facebook that we shouldn't bother going to the grocery store to pick up bottled water, since the shelves were entirely sold out. All around us, the cold weather was causing power outages and gas supply problems and busted pipes, and people were having to hunker down in their houses for days at a time because cars wouldn't start and the roads weren't fit to drive, even if you could find a store that was open.
It was the first time in my life that I actually thought, Well, crap, I guess we should have gotten that emergency kit together after all. We had plenty of food in the fridge, and even if the power went out, it would keep in the cold temperatures. We had propane tanks and a grill we could use if the gas went out, and a ton of frozen food we could thaw. But water ... that we didn't have much of. We shut off the ice maker, didn't take showers, didn't wash the laundry, didn't wash the dishes. We tried not to think about how as soon as you aren't supposed to use water, all you want is a drink. Jason took the World's Least Satisfying Shower the next morning, and we waited to see if school would have water in the buildings and be able to open. In the end, the water company devised another way to supply water to the plant, so the restrictions were lifted, and life went back to normal.
Only now I'm thinking that we really should get that emergency kit together. Water, packaged food, a decent first aid kit, a can of gas for the car, extra blankets and socks, and of course the plastic sheeting and duct tape. Maybe extra socks and a pair of cheap shoes for all of us (because I don't want to get caught barefoot during the next earthquake I live through, thankyouverymuch). A book on first aid and survival techniques would be helpful, too, since I couldn't actually treat any injury worse than a sprain, and my knowledge of making shelters comes entirely from watching some Mythbusters specials about the uses of duct tape. I think I'll skip the Bowie knife, though, in favor of an extra can opener, some form of alcohol, and a few days' worth of all the prescriptions Jason and I take. Because when the zombie apocalypse comes, how can I expect to be one of the first ones
I can't put Liza in charge of picking out emergency supplies, though - every time we have a winter storm warning or a thunderstorm, she packs her own kit of supplies she needs if we have to take shelter elsewhere. These kits usually include things like a pillow, 48 books, a granola bar, a flashlight without any batteries, a candle (but no matches or lighter),three extra outfits with lots of sequins and glitter ("so the rescuers can find me"), and a backup toy to sleep with. Perfect for a sleepover, but not so helpful for the zombie apocalypse, unless you're planning on smothering the walkers with a pillow or pelting them with paperbacks. She may not make it through the disaster, but with her fashion sense intact, at least Liza will be an attractive corpse. Maybe I'll go add some mascara and a tube of lip gloss to the emergency kit. After all, if we can't be prepared, we can at least be fabulous, right?
Thursday, January 09, 2014
The doctor's usual nurse, Rachel, wasn't in that day - the first time ever that I've been in the office and NOT seen her. Her replacement, whose name I never caught, was competent, but I was disappointed. If I was going to have to have a female witness on hand for my exam, it would have been nice if I at least knew her name. I mean, I'm open to meeting new people, but I do have standards. She could have at least bought me a drink first....
It also happened to be my doctor's week in the "let's have medical students shadow our practicing doctors" rota, and the Nameless Nurse asked if I would mind if a medical student sat in on my visit. No problem, I said, remembering that 3/4 of the visit was just going to be me answering only mildly uncomfortable questions. My doctor brought in Eric, who was blandly handsome and looked like he was still wet behind the ears. He shook my hand with just the right amount of respect and geniality - good training on handshakes at Case, apparently. Nothing creepy there, no vibe of, "Boy, am I excited I get to look up your hoo-hah today!" so that was okay.
Endless questions. Who died when, of what? What do I eat, drink, do for fun? How often? Seriously, every time I get a physical - which isn't that often, maybe once every five years? - the number of questions doubles. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there, hunger and a caffeine headache gnawing away at my insides because I haven't eaten in more than 12 hours.
Dr: "How much caffeine do you drink every day?"
"Not enough today, let me tell you."
Dr: "Okay, on a normal day when I'm not torturing you, how many caffeinated beverages do you drink?"
My doctor isn't much older than I am, and one of my main goals when I visit him (aside from getting my prescriptions re-authorized at the pharmacy) is to crack him up. It's usually not that hard ... or that intentional, actually. Can I help it if strong knee reflexes and a pair of slip-on shoes are not a good combination? Anyway, he's rattling through his standard list, I'm watching him type the answers into his laptop and waiting, because I've got a good answer prepared for one of the questions. And, sure enough, it came:
Dr: "What type of birth control do you use?"
"Condoms. Well, condoms and excessive irritability, if you want to know the truth."
Dr: "Nice," he said with a grin.
"Bet your questionnaire doesn't have a code for that one."
Dr: "Nope, but it probably should."
Questions answered, he shined a funky light in my eyes, looked in my ears and up my nose, and explained a few things to Eric the Med Student about how the software was set up to track when various vaccinations were due in the future, so you don't have to calculate them yourself. Apparently, in 2020 I can look forward to my tetanus booster - awesome!
Dr: "Okay, so we're going to step out for a minute while you get out of your clothes, and we'll do the pelvic exam when we get back."
"So can I leave my top half dressed, or do you need the full monty?"
Dr: "Full monty, including socks. Gotta do a full skin exam, too."
"Yay. So, do I at least get a drape?"
Dr: "Oh, right. Here you go," the doctor said, and he rummaged around in the exam table drawer and got a gown and drape for me. "I thought she had already gotten one laid out. Be back in a minute."
Well, maybe a few minutes. It's a good thing I asked for the gown, because I was in there forever. First, the Nameless Nurse came back to give me my flu shot, while my doctor went in to see another patient. Then, the doctor was ready, but the nurse was filling in paperwork. Then they all were ready, but the nurse hadn't laid out the exam equipment that my doctor preferred, so they had to get that set up.
Meanwhile, I'm starving and rapidly approaching being late for work. I was stuck naked in The Most Boring and Chilly Exam Room Ever, texting a friend to set up a play date for Liza and sending messages to Jason to jokingly complain about the physical.
- "Rachel the nurse has the day off so there's a sub, and it's medical student following day. There's going to be a parade of strangers looking at my privates in the next few minutes. Yay!"
---"I always say no to that."
-"That's because you hate learning and don't want the next generation of doctors to know what they're doing. Loser."
Honestly, I thought, I don't care who all is down there, as long as I don't have to see them around town on a regular basis. I'd much rather have a dozen med students down there taking notes and drawing diagrams, rather than walk around naked in the women's locker room at the gym. At least the med students I can justify as being for the greater good, whereas walking around in the locker room is just icky. Then again, maybe I was just a little lightheaded from the hunger and lack of Diet Coke.
The Pelvic Exam Parade eventually was ready to start, and it was even more fun than normal, since my doctor was taking his time and explaining everything he was doing to the student. I distracted myself by trying to figure out how old I would have been when I gave birth to him if the student was my kid, and the answer was "not that much younger than some of my friends started having kids." Those medical students are getting younger all the time (insert obligatory old woman cackle here). This somewhat distressing thought was effective as a distraction, though, because I managed to ignore most of the exam, other than one strangely off-putting comment from my doctor to the student: "Sorry you can't see what I'm doing here, but it's all up on the top floor. I think you'd have to stand on your head." Okaaaaaay .... Time for the patient to ask about something that's been bothering her for a while:
"Oh, I meant to ask you,
Dr: "Huh. Well, that's unusual."
"Yeah, I kind of figured that. Heck, if I could get a camera up there, I could probably make some money from the video on YouTube."
Dr: "I am so glad you said that, because I was totally thinking it, and I'm not allowed to say stuff like that."
"It's like a party trick."
Dr: "I do not get invited to those kinds of parties."
"Yeah, me neither, so it's kind of a waste."
The doctor filled in some paperwork while I sat on the table and tried to not look like I was ready to gnaw off my own leg.
Dr: "Okay, so here's the order for the lab work, and another for a mammogram. You get to start having those, now, too, by the way."
"Yeah, I know, all of my high school friends were complaining about it on Facebook in the past year."
"Yeah, well, it came up a lot. It's not like they were posting pictures or anything."
Dr: "I hope not."
"Dude, knowing my friends, I'm lucky they weren't posting live video feeds of the procedures."
"Again, I could totally make money with that on YouTube."
Dr: "Again, I'm glad you said that, not me. Go get the lab work done down the hall, and I'll see you in three months."
A few minutes later I was sitting there, trying not to watch the technician fishing around for a vein (mine are dainty) and I looked up when another patient entered the waiting area ... with Eric the Med Student trailing behind him. I gave him a faint smile and tried very hard not to concentrate on the fact that he'd been trying to check out my top floor just a few minutes before. I said thanks to the technician, grabbed my coat, and headed for my car. With any luck, the Pelvic Exam Parade would not follow me all the way to Subway, because while Eric may know all about my party trick, that didn't mean I wanted him to know what I order on my sandwiches. Some things are just too personal to share.