Thursday, January 16, 2014

You could be my Next Good Friend!

Dear _______________,
Congratulations on being selected as a contender for the role of my Next Good Friend of 2014!  I'm sure you're anxious to get started, but before we begin, I'll need you to fill in the following questionnaire to be sure you're qualified for the position.  Please use a No. 2 pencil and make dark marks - there are a lot of forms to process, and the scanner can't be bothered to look too closely at these things.


1.  Your home is approximately how far from mine?
a) 1 mile
b) 5 miles
c) 20 miles
d) You don't know where you live.
e) You don't know where I live.

2.  You are willing to travel how far to go do something fun on a weekend evening?
a) 1 mile
b) 5 miles
c) 20 miles
d) none - you only socialize at your own home.
e) none - you are an agoraphobic lobster* who doesn't socialize at all, anywhere.

Family life:

3.  Are you married?
a) Yes
b) No
c) No, but you used to be
d) You're not sure
e) Only on weekdays

4.  How many children under the age of 16 live with you now?
a) Zero
b) 1
c) 2-3
d) 4-5
e) You lost count after five, but you're pretty sure there are more than that, judging by the piles of laundry you find on a daily basis.


5.  Please circle all of the fandoms to which you belong:
a) Doctor Who
b) Sherlock (BBC version - indicate whether you ship Johnlock or Sherlolly** _________)
c) Supernatural
d) Star Trek (please indicate which version - original, next gen, DS9, etc. _________)
e) Star Wars (please indicate favorite movie, and if it's Episode I, II, or III, stop the survey now and go shoot yourself in the head ____________)
f) Anything written, produced, directed, or breathed upon by Joss Whedon
g) MST3K
h) Archer
i) Chuck
j) LoTR/Hobbit
k) Avengers, including Thor
l) Avengers, not including Thor, because that movie sucked balls
m) Twilight
n) Hunger Games

6.  There is no question number six **

7. Please circle all of the following hobbies which you regularly enjoy:
a) Fiber arts (knitting, crochet, weaving, spinning, quilting, embroidery, etc.)
b) Tabletop games
c) RockBand-style console games
d) Reading
e) Hiking
f) Gardening
g) Cooking
h) Home improvement
i) Crushing the hearts of your enemies beneath your bootheels

8. Please indicate your favorite companion:
a) Rose
b) Donna
c) Martha
d) Sara Jane
e) Captain Jack
f) Amy and Rory
g) River
h) Clara

9. Please indicate any of the following games which you have played and enjoyed:
a) Fluxx
b) Munchkin
c) Smash Up
d) Ticket to Ride
e) Axis and Allies (please stop the survey now and contact my husband instead)
f) Carcassonne
g) Settlers of Catan
h) Canasta
i) Pictionary
j) Cranium
k) Timeline
l) Cards Against Humanity


10.  Please indicate which times/days you would be most interested in getting together:
a) Never - you only want an online/telephone relationship
b) During the day during the week
c) Weekday evenings
d) Friday or Saturday evenings
e) Saturday or Sunday during the day
f) The third Saturday after the new moon, from 8-8:15 pm, if all goes according to plan.

11.  Regarding any children you have at home:
a) They would love to play with my child, and we will not have to referee them much
b) They would love to play with my child, but we will need to keep a close eye on them or there might be bloodshed
c) They have no interest in playing with my child, but will entertain themselves
d) They have no interest in playing with my child, and may make our lives a living hell if you bring them
e) You have no intention of involving children in our relationship


12.  Which trait do you think is the most important part of your personality?
a) Snark
b) Sarcasm
c) Dry humor
d) Expertise with profanity
e) None of the above
f) All of the above
g) Sweetness and light (please stop this survey and go punch yourself in the face for me, mmm-kay?**)

** Pop culture references and "in jokes" are marked with **.  Please circle all of them that you understood and/or could explain the genesis of to an impartial moderator.

Thank you for your participation, and don't call us, we'll call you.

No comments: