Sunday, November 16, 2014

Motherly conversations I have had to start so far this year (or, What I've been up to since I last posted)

  1. Yes, you really do need to wash your face.
  2. Every day.
  3. With soap.
  4. I told you there would be cavities if you didn't brush your teeth (with toothpaste) twice a day.
  5. Not everyone is a nice person.
  6. Some girls are bitches, even when they're 10 years old.
  7. It is not necessary for everyone in your class to be best friends - sometimes it's sufficient to be polite and able to work together when it's required.
  8. You Must Not Touch Certain Parts of Your Body (in Public).*
  9. Other people may not touch Certain Parts of Your Body at all.
  10. Some boys like to show off Certain Parts of Their Bodies.
  11. How to embarrass those boys by looking really disdainful and muttering, "Really?  That's it?"
  12. Do you really want to be friends with a girl who treats you like that?
  13. Seriously?
  14. What exactly were you thinking when you ... (decided to build a zip line in the basement with things you had been specifically told not to touch; decided to duct-tape a kid you barely knew to a pole in the basement; decided to cover the toilet in soapy water so you could blow really big bubbles on the toilet lid)?
  15. Yes, you really do need to wash your hair.
  16. With shampoo.
  17. And comb it afterward.
  18. Wet towels do not belong on the floor.
  19. Or your bed.
  20. Or your hamper, unless you're doing laundry, like, NOW.
  21. Having homework every night is not cruel and unusual punishment; it's the new normal.
  22. Checking to make sure you actually answered every question on the test will help you not get C's on stuff you really do know.
  23. Five reasons why I will NOT drive you back to school to pick up the book/paper/assignment/whatever you need to do your homework tonight.
  24. Seriously?  You forgot to ask about your password AGAIN? 
  25. If you tell me for months that you can't do something because your password "doesn't work," you'd better have actually tried it.
  26. See?  (Learning that song; trying a new food; making a presentation; talking to a friend about something difficult) wasn't actually that hard, was it?
  27. Perhaps next time, waiting until something actually goes wrong before you freak out would make things more pleasant for everyone.  I'm just saying...
  28. When you call a friend's house, it's important to tell whoever answers the phone who you are, because otherwise it's creepy.
  29. Yes, I meant it when I said I would take away for the evening "anything with a plug or a battery" if you didn't get your butt in gear this morning.
  30. Things you may not do on the new (white) couch.
  31. Why, when I'm out on a walk and you're home alone for 20 minutes, you're not allowed to answer the door and buy candy from strangers, even if those strangers are kids and it's a fundraiser for their school.
  32. How to dial 911 on my phone in case the chainsawing Dad and I are doing goes horribly, horribly wrong.
  33. If you spell emoji out loud during a regular conversation, you sound like a dork (and I want to smack you).  No one thinks "XD" said aloud means "I'm laughing," except you.
  34. How to handle grandma when she's having one of those days.
  35. Grandma's friend has cancer - let's make her a card!
  36. My friend has cancer - let's make her a card!
  37. Grandma's other friend has cancer, but you never met her, so you don't need to make her a card!
  38. Dad's friend has cancer - but it's too late to make her a card!
  39. Yes, it's normal to get out of breath when you run.  Deal with it.
  40. You have 75 pairs of scissors,  Figure out how to open it yourself.

* Thank you, Bill Cosby, for cementing that phrase into the permanent language of my family.

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