Dear Polaroid x800,

I needed a camera I could use while snorkeling on my next vacation.  You were an affordable digital camera that was supposed to be waterproof up to 30' deep.  It seemed like a match made in heaven.  I had visions of taking you all the places my Other Camera was too awkward to go - like into my pocket so I don't look like a dweeb with a giant camera around my neck at every school function and field trip.  We'd take beautiful pictures together, you and I, and maybe you would even be tough enough to withstand my daughter's love.

I realize now that ours was a relationship doomed from the start.  How could you withhold so much information from me when we first met in the store, like what size memory card you required?  And how was I supposed to know your, um, batteries were so small, since there's no mention of your AAA requirements on your packaging?  If you had just spelled out plainly what your needs were, we could have saved ourselves a lot of time running back and forth.

You left out a few other things, too - like the wrist strap that would be sort of necessary if we, I don't know, actually went into the water.  Thanks for making me take an hour to make one the day I left for vacation - I needed the extra work that day.  And your owner's manual ... oh, a digital one is nice and all, but not all of us have time to boot up the computer every time we want to check to see how to take a closeup shot.  Way to go green and make me waste more than 40 pages of my own paper!

Maybe it's me, not you, I thought.  I was willing to overlook your faults, if only you could perform as you boasted when we first met.  But alas, you couldn't walk the walk.

Sure, if I took you out in bright light and focused on things at a distance, you performed acceptably well.

Of course, your screen is so small and poorly designed that it's damn near impossible to see anything on it in the full sun, but I can point and guess if I have to.  And yes, that's pretty grainy for a photo taken with an 8 megapixel camera used in full sun, but maybe I just needed a period of adjustment.  I had been with my Other Camera - you know, the one you saw me with on land all the time - for several years.

The real problems started as soon as I got you wet.  Trying to take pictures in the pool without putting my face in the water was futile; you can't see the viewscreen unless you're directly in front of it, and the refraction of the water wasn't helping things.  A few of the pictures in the pool turned out completely black, which is tricky to do when you're photographing in bright Jamaican morning light.  I tried taking some shots in the ocean, too, finding actual things to aim at that I could (sort of) see on the viewscreen.  I got pictures like this one of a rock with fish around it:

At least I think that's what it was.  For comparison's sake, here's a picture of the same area, taken from above the water with the Other Camera (so you can see it's not a silt issue, it's your performance issue):

(That picture, by the way, was taken from my fourth floor balcony at 6:30am on a cloudy day with my 5 megapixel camera that's more than four years old.  Yay for 10x zoom, a steady hand, and a good camera!)

After trying to take a few pictures in the water, I took a few more in the air, and I was surprised that the best of them looked like this:

Some people would pay $5 for an iPhone app to get that effect, but all I wanted was a clear picture.  I checked to make sure I hadn't inadvertently applied suntan lotion to the lens, only to find condensation all over the inside of it.  Inside the waterproof camera.  Don't believe me?  How about a picture from a few minutes later, after I had let you sit in the sun for a while and half of the condensation was gone?

Oh, and did I mention your lack of stamina?  After only a few dozen pictures, your battery indicators were already showing you were down to less than 1/4 of a full charge.  Between that and the fact that the batteries fall completely out of the camera any time you open the door to get the memory card or connect the camera to the computer to transfer pictures, I think you aren't exactly the smartest camera on the block.  More like, "the camera on the block that was designed by an idiot with a complete lack of understanding of how an underwater camera - or a camera of any sort - will actually be used by a consumer."

To say I am displeased with you would be understating it.  Pissed off, wrathful, intent on vengeance ... that's more the level we're talking here.  I could have gotten better photos with a cheap point-and-shoot sealed inside a ziplock bag, for god's sake.

I'll be calling your parents about this tomorrow morning, you can be sure of that, and they'd better be prepared to make restitution.  Because I'm not going back to Jamaica anytime soon, and thanks to you, I have exactly ZERO usable shots from the water, you stupid piece of useless misrepresented underpowered poorly designed crap.

Also, you're ugly, and your mother dresses you funny.  So there!

Sincerely,

Your ex-owner