A trip down memory lane

I was reading though some of my old files this afternoon and found this, written in December as Liza was starting to try to self-feed. Boy, she's come a long way since then, as have the Cheerios, which she can now fling as far as her room upstairs, which involves going around several 180-degree turns that bend the laws of physics. Anyway, here's where we were a few months ago:
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Babies of America!

Are you ready for the fun and adventure of self-feeding, but find all that chewing and swallowing a little tedious? I did, too, until I developed my innovative method for making meals fun again. And I share these secrets with you in my new DVD, 457 Ways to Not Eat Cheerios.

This DVD will revolutionize your eating habits. Never before have so many techniques for not eating been collected in one location. This DVD contains tips for all levels of expertise from beginning babies to expert eaters, including:

# 1 Stare at the Cheerio without making any move toward it.
#14 Flail blindly at the Cheerio while looking in the opposite direction.
#56 Rake Cheerio into hand, then release it as your hand comes to your mouth.
#211 Carefully pick up Cheerio in a pincer grip and bring it slowly toward your mouth. Just when you’re about to put it in, get distracted by something else in the room and flail wildly with your arms, flinging the Cheerio into space.
#389 Use sticky glop on fingers to adhere Cheerio to your hand, then bring it to your mouth. Insert hand and Cheerio into mouth. Allow Cheerio to remain stuck to your hand as you remove it from your mouth. Allow Cheerio to fall off your hand several minutes later (preferably onto a clean surface). Variation: After removing your hand from your mouth, pretend you think the Cheerio has already fallen off and bang your hand loudly on a flat surface, pulverizing the Cheerio into inedible dust.

Using these techniques I have managed to sit through meals every day for more than a month while actually feeding myself only two Cheerios! And the tips aren’t just for Cheerios – they can be adapted to work on virtually any finger food your parents put in front of you.

This DVD is thoughtfully designed for babies of all ages and skill levels. Burned onto high-grade DVD material, this is one reference disk that’s designed to last even longer than that cup of Cheerios your parents have been trying to feed you for the past three weeks!

Act now and I’ll include two special bonuses: my groundbreaking pamphlet “25 Easy Tricks To Gross Out Your Parents,” and a signed copy of my bestselling how-to book, Marathon Crying: How To Outdo Yourself and Outwit Your Parents. Learn how to poop straight up the back of your diaper, covering your mother’s lap without touching your own pants … and find out how to keep your motivation when you’re in your third hour of late-night crying and you’re tempted to give in to sleep. It’s all included – but only if you act now!

Send $29.95 plus shipping and handling to:
Liza Woods
PO Box 000, Department D
Richmond, KY 40476