Congratulations are in order

Congratulations to my parents, who, after years of putting up with the old equipment, have finally committed to buying a new stove and oven. You can't imagine my shock when my mother casually mentioned today that their cooktop was sitting on the floor in the kitchen and the double oven was next in line for the wrecking ball. Of course, she was calling to ask for recommendations on new stoves because they sort of removed the old stuff before they bought replacements, but it can't take that long to get a new stove, right?

The old appliances were a thorn in their side from virtually the moment they bought the house, but until today they managed to limp along without replacing them.

Since 1985.

Wow. I'm not sure if that proves their thrift, ingenuity, or lack of common sense, but I'm sure it says something.

In honor of this momentous occasion, I present a quick multiple-choice question.

Which of the following choices did not apply to my parents' kitchen?

1. It made my 12th birthday party more memorable by having an oven door fall off in my mother's hand when she was checking on the pizza inside.
2. It lit once lit up the house like the Fourth of July when one of the heating elements arc-welded itself to the floor of the oven.
3. It baby-proofed itself by requiring you to push in and turn two obscure knobs by at least a certain amount in order to turn on the oven, and even then sometimes it would shut itself off.
4. It possessed an oven that was never actually at the temperature you set it to - on a good day, you were lucky to be off by only 25F.
5. It had a stove burner that was so warped that pans would wobble and or spin when you used it.
6. It necessitated conversations like, "No, don't use that burner, it takes forever to heat up. Use that one, but remember that it gets much hotter than whatever you set it to."
7. It hasn't had two working ovens and a working broiler in at least 10 years.

Answer: None of the above.