Reasons I am fairly certain I am residing the the 7 3/8ths circle of hell

1. I stayed up way too late last night ... er, this morning, watching a really dumb movie, then trying to figure out the dumb movie, then making fun of the dumb movie. Then I couldn't get to sleep because I was still trying to figure out what the hell the blue box thing was supposed to represent. Stupid blue box. Stupid David Lynch.
2. I got sniped on eBay, not once, but twice, by people who swooped in at the last second and outbid me for adorable little Hannah Andersson outfits for my daughter. Stupid snipers. In retaliation I spent most of Liza's morning nap finding more outfits and bidding on them in hopes that I avoid the sniping on at least one of them.
3. My daughter has turned into a challenging eater. Not only does she not like the same thing two days in a row, she's prone to throwing her food - all of her food, even the stuff she likes - on the floor, on the wall, at the cat. She's been doing this for weeks, only now it's gotten to the point where her some total of food for today was: about 1 1/2 bites of waffle, about 3 cubes of tropical fruit, most of 2 cups of milk, about 1 bite of peanut butter sandwich, maybe 3 bites of yogurt, about half a dozen graham cookie sticks, three bites of peach and maybe one handful of pad thai. The rest of all of that ended up on the floor ... you know, the floor that I just swept because my mother-in-law is coming to visit tomorrow. I've tried varying her diet, I've tried giving her the things she used to love, and I've tried being nonchalant about the situation. She's barely eating, which I know is normal and won't kill her, but if she throws one more gloopy thing on the floor I may have to throttle her with my kitchen towel. Grrr.
4. Liza has decided that playing with the cat food is really fun. Specifically, she likes shoveling the dry food into the cats' water dish, sopping up every last bit of water into nasty waterlogged pillowy pellets. This morning she got into the cat food, so I barred her from the room while I cleaned it up. Apparently my timing was bad, because when I got done there was a puddle of cat pee in the middle of the hallway. While I cleaned that up, Liza got back into the cat food and spread it all over again. I locked Liza in her room, cleaned up the cat food while she screamed like a death row inmate, and put a temporary barrier in front of the cat room (the cats can get over it, and Liza hasn't been given the chance to figure out how to go around it yet).
5. Then I got to try to clean up the dried cat puke on the new rug in Liza's room. Anybody need two cats?
6. Liza's morning nap made us miss story time at the library today, so not only did I miss out on talking to actual grownups, but I forgot to return the dumb movie, too, so now not only did I sit through two hours of crap, but I have to pay $1 for the privilege. Grr.
7. After the food throwing and the cat food incident(s), I decided the only way to get through the day was to get out of the house, so we went to an orchard outside of Lexington to get some local peaches. Only I misjudged where the exit was on the ring road around the city, so we started on the exact opposite side of town from where we needed to be. And then it poured rain. And then we got to the orchard and they didn't have much selection. And then it poured rain again, so we sat on the porch at the orchard store and ate one of the peaches we had bought ... and decided that we prefer the Georgia peaches I bought yesterday at Kroger. So we spent like 2 hours of driving (during which she refused to go to sleep and whined almost constantly) to get so-so fruit.
8. At this point I decided to invoke a little retail therapy, especially since I had to drive right past the exit for the mall on my way home from the orchard. Liza whined the whole way there, and the whole time we were in the mall, even when I gave her a piece of my Auntie Anne's pretzel. The good news: I found beach shoes for the baby, suitable for wearing in September when we go to New Jersey for a week, provided her feet don't grow enormously in the next two months. I also found ridiculously sale-priced pjs at Baby Gap - the long sleeved cotton knit ones for fall/winter/spring were on sale for $7, which is much preferable to the normal $19 I refuse to pay for pajamas that only use 1/3 of a yard of knit fabric.
9. So then we headed home, and Liza cranked up the whine to full volume unless I was singing. Continuously. Just about the time I decided it would be better to head straight home instead of hitting the frozen custard store that I ALWAYS visit when I'm in the area, Liza fell asleep. That's right, it took her FOUR HOURS to finally fall asleep, given that I first put her in the car when it was about her nap time, anyway. And she fell asleep 15 minutes before we got back home, of course, not when I was doing the long drive earlier in the day and she could have had an hour nap. Oh, no, she had to watch the traffic then and save the nap for when she wouldn't have time to actually sleep.
10. Did I mention the pad thai throwing? That's almost as bad as wasting a biscuit, as far as I'm concerned. Worse, maybe, because Thai food is more expensive. Ungrateful brat.
11. And now, despite the fact that she's been mostly without a nap for like six hours, and spent most of dinner trying to grind pad thai noodles into her eye sockets, and has had the requisite number of books read and songs sung, she's up there in the crib, you guessed it, whining. She's not teething, she's got a dry diaper and a rash-free bum, she's got her blankie and her mobile, and she's tired. She may be hungry, but she certainly doesn't act like it, and I refuse to clean the kitchen floor one more time today.

I'm not sure I have enough chocolate or bourbon in the house to deal with this much longer. How long does this whole whiny toddler thing last? Like, a year? Oh, god.