Dear Women of Cleveland:

Hi. Let me first say, I get it. Really, I do. I live here too. I've been living inside in the cold and grey during a winter that's basically lasted since last June. I'm as happy to have a nice day as the next person, and I like to think that I enjoy it just as much, too.

And while an April day with sunny 80F weather makes me feel like taking off all my clothes and frolicking naked in the warm caresses of a beautiful spring day, I don't do it. Unlike the rest of you, apparently, who have decided that anything warmer than 50F merits halter tops, belly shirts, and short-shorts.

You know what? I like those clothes - really, I do. And I'd love to see you wearing them ... at the beach. But at the zoo? When you know you're going to have to bend over a million times to answer your kid's question? And you either haven't seen sunlight in months, or have spent the entire winter in a spray tan booth? And you spent most of the winter curled up with a Krispy Kreme and a book? And you're over 40 and have nursed three or four kids? Dude, we don't want to see it.

So to the middle-aged, well-endowed woman who was wearing a halter top (braless) that probably required garment tape in order to keep the remaining 1/3 of her breasts unexposed, I say - You shouldn't have to do a nip check ever 30 seconds when you go out in public.

And to the otherwise pretty high school girl with massive flanks of cellulite showing beneath her short shorts, I say - That's not helping get you a prom date, honey.

And to the really attractive pregnant woman who sat next to me at the food court, delighted by how pink she was getting, I say - That burn is gonna look sweet in 20 years, Leatherneck, right before The Cancer gets you.

Sincerely,

Puritanical Princess