Too much information alert

So last week I had to visit the doctor to clear up a recurring yeast infection, or, as I like to call it, crotch rot. Nothing says fun like having a pelvic exam with your doctor-phobic two-year-old in the room, during her normal lunch time. I didn't hear a peep out of her the whole time, praise be to Barney and the portable DVD player.

(See that - half of my readers just clicked away in disgust, and Jason passed out on the floor of the conference center in Shreveport from acute embarassment after the first sentence. Hi, honey! It's 48F in our bedroom because I forgot to close the window today, and I'm killing time until it warms up enough so I can't see my breath. How's things down south?)

Anyway ... after giving me the prescriptions for the anti-fungal pill and the antibiotic gel, which in combination should pretty much napalm anything living below my waist (as well as some stuff above it), my doctor says as he's leaving the room: "And if this still doesn't take care of it, you'll need to come back in, and make sure you schedule the appointment to have a fasting blood sugar test done, because you might have diabetes."

Well thank you, Dr. Positive Thinking. Remember, this is the guy who told me I might have brain tumors because I get screaming headaches at the same time every month. Very nice guy, just a little eager to suggest I have life-threatening illnesses.

So today I finally got around to looking up diabetes and yeast infections on the internet. I love the internet - you find the most interesting things there. For instance, once you weed through all of the sites sponsored by major medical institutions, drug companies, and college health centers, you end up with a bunch of rant-filled sites that offer natural alternatives to the OTC and prescriptions solutions for crotch rot.

Out of curiousity I poked around a few, and I found that there are apparently quite a few women (or wimmin, or womyn, depending on which site you visit) who have the following thought: "I don't trust the independently-tested, quality-controlled, governmentally regulated remedies for this problem. I think I'll douche with yogurt instead."

Wha?????

My personal favorite was gentian violet, which I had heard of as a natural solution to thrush problems and yeasty diaper rash in infants. Hmmm, take a pill that costs $8 at the pharmacy, or repeatedly paint my private parts with some chemical that stains everything it touches bright purple. Tough decision. And did I mention that it's "paint my private parts - inside and out"? According to the directions, a speculum is required to reach those tricky areas, like your cervix ... darn, I think my speculum got lost in the move.

Oh, and for anyone who landed at this page because they searched for "yeast infection," you have my sympathy. Please be aware that I spent less on the copay for my doctor visit and two prescriptions than I did for the OTC treatments that didn't work. Next time, I'm heading straight for Dr. Doom and Gloom and getting the napalm right away.